Patience.

I don’t have it. Well, that’s not true. I have it about some things. I don’t where it’s important, though. Like with finding work. Finding a new job isn’t something that happens quickly. In fact, it’s something that happens insanely incredibly slow.

I’m not good at that. As I’ve said before, I’ve been at war with my brain for a few months now. It’s not the first time it’s happened and it likely won’t be the last. And that last bit there stings because I honestly can’t properly detail how little I like it. But here we are.

I’m not good at the waiting game and it’s essentially all I’ve been playing since April when it comes to jobs. It’s the same thing we all play when looking for a new work opportunity. We apply, we wait. We interview, we wait. We follow up, we wait. It’s a never ending cycle of waiting and while I get that it’s not just a me thing (it’s an all of us thing), it still just all adds up to make you wonder if the wait will be eternal.

Realistically, I know it won’t. Something will come along at some point, probably. Or maybe it won’t and I’m doomed. Who knows? That’s what I contend with. I like to know what’s coming and I don’t anymore. I have absolutely no idea what comes next. Certain aspects of that are exhilarating, like how it can be something exciting.

What if it’s not, though?

That creeps in all too often. And that’s what eats away at my patience. If something great doesn’t come along and eventually what I’m doing to stay afloat now dries up, what do I do? I honestly don’t know. And that’s scary.

How do I know it’s scary? I haven’t stopped thinking about it since April. And I likely won’t anytime soon. Because I don’t have the patience I wish I did to just let everything happen. Instead, I worry. But hey, maybe they’ll call soon?

Or not.

Either way, I should try writing about something here besides my brain sometime soon.