The brain is a tricky thing. For around three months now, mine has been trying to convince me of how much I suck. After all, why else would one end up without a job? And I know it’s not true. I have faith in my skills and abilities. But the brain doesn’t really care about that. Instead, it taunts me. It’s incredibly fucked up.
At the same time, it’s also really hard to explain to almost anyone. How do you tell someone you’ve in a never-ending battle with your own mind? Instead, I just find myself being around people a lot less. And when I am, I’m distracted. So many times over the last three months I’ve been caught not paying attention to something, and am asked, “Are you bored/angry/ignoring me/etc?” And it’s not an intentional thing. It’s that my brain won’t slow down and simply let me enjoy the moment.
Instead, I’m playing through a series of things in my head, from freelance work I need to do to how long has it been since that job interview I really likes, to whether or not I’m qualified for something I want to go after (spoiler: My brain doesn’t think I am), to what am I going to do about finding a new car. Honestly, it’s just exhausting. It’s what has led to me taking a train up to Northern California a few times this summer. A small break from the overdrive of what’s going on in my head when I’m home in LA.
It’s odd because I’m sure it was there to some degree when I was employed as well, but I always had the office and work trips and projects I was working on to keep me nice and distracted. Now, it’s all I can focus on. And I wish that wasn’t the case. Because I like life and enjoy it most of the time. These last couple of months though, it feels like it’s all going by in a blur.
And it’s my own fault, really. When I first got let go from Tribune Media, I made a deal with myself. I would leave the house at least once a day. It’s too easy to fall into the habit of shutting myself off from the world. I’ve done it before and it doesn’t help anything. But there are times when I’m out and about, alone or with people, and I just want to cut bait and go home. Not because I’m not enjoying myself or anything like that. But because I feel the pressure of life and the world closing in on me and an escape seems like the easiest option. It can’t catch me at home.
I don’t know the point of this all, I just needed to put into words what is happening in my head. So if we’re hanging out and I seem distracted, I promise it’s not you. It’s totally me. And I hope we can still be friends. Besides, it’s always darkest before the dawn, as Harvey Dent said in The Dark Knight. But then he became a villain, so that could be bullshit.
That’s all I got.