Don’t close the page! I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “I already read the review of the best-left-forgotten sequel to The Lost Boys. I must have clicked on the wrong link.”
To that, I say two things. First: How dare you bring up that other sequel? Don’t you remember the end of my review, where I publicly denounce the film and attempt to forget its very existence? Thanks a lot for opening old wounds, you jerk.
And two: You are in the right place, you have not clicked on the wrong link. This is the review for the second terrible Lost Boys sequel! That’s right, folks. Somewhere along the chain of command over at Warner Bros., a decision was made (they make a lot of these decisions). That decision: “We really don’t care anymore.”
Honestly, did anyone actually enjoy The Lost Boys: The Tribe? I mean, aside from Corey Feldman. At what point did they think that making a third film was a good idea? Were they trying to redeem themselves in some way? Attempting to take it back a step and do the original film justice in this sequel? Or did Corey Feldman lie to them about how many people enjoyed The Tribe? Who knows!?
There’s no point in crying over spilled blood, here. The movie exists. It happened and somewhere in this world are the people who allowed it to happen. I’m not entirely certain, but I like to think the people responsible for these films don’t sleep at night anymore. That they’re so haunted by images of Corey Feldman with a mullet, that all they can do is assume the fetal position and sob uncontrollably until dawn breaks.
The film opens in Washington D.C., for no reason, with events that take place five years prior to the opening scene of The Tribe. Here we see a guy tied to a chair, duct tape covering his mouth. Standing next to him is a tall man in a black suit who is wearing sunglasses (indoors and at night, because that’s how vampires roll). He leans in to our frightened hostage and bares his fangs at him, either to frighten him more or to say “Just so we’re clear, I AM A VAMPIRE”, and then another vampire (fangs, sunglasses, nice suit, all classic vampire stuff) enters, pushing an old man in a wheelchair. We are lead to believe by his appearance that the old man in the wheelchair is not a vampire, as he is not wearing black nor sunglasses and also he is in a god damn wheelchair. But this is a movie what is full of surprises (not really), and his vampire nurse says “Once you feed, Senator, you won’t need these anymore” before handing the old man his fang dentures.
I’m going to stop here for a second and let you soak in that mental image. That wasn’t a typo, I didn’t misinterpret something I saw on screen, that really happened. A vampire handed the old guy in the wheelchair a set of dentures that are actually fangs. Which he then put into his mouth. Then he made hissing noises because he is a big scary vampire and he will roll his wheelchair toward you in a menacing fashion before biting you on the neck with his fangtures. But before the poor old bastard can feed, the door gets kicked in by none other than the Frog Brothers.
Now, this is still the pre-credits scene. This is the moment where we can safely judge the quality of dialogue that will be thrown about for the rest of the film. Will it be any better this time around?
Alan Frog: “Holy shit! It’s the attack of Grandpa Munster!”
Edgar rushes to the aid of the living buffet tied to the chair, while Alan chases the vampire that was smart enough to run before he got killed. It’s revealed that the hostage who Senator Dracula was about to feed on is actually a Congressman, proving once again that Senators and Congressmen hate each other. Or something. Suddenly, Edgar hears Alan screaming from the other room. He charges in to find the fleeing vampire is forcing Alan to drink vampire blood, thus turning him into a vampire himself. This (sort of) explains the post-credits scene at the end of The Tribe.
Back to current day, we find Edgar Frog still lives in a trailer in the middle of nowhere, he still collects comic books, and he still has the worst hair of any human being ever. A knock comes to his trailer door, which turns out to be a man from the bank telling Edgar that the luxurious lifestyle to which he has become accustomed will be coming to an abrupt end once his trailer is repossessed. Edgar calls him a vampire (get it?! the banks are bloodsuckers!) and the opening credits roll.
The movie gets far worse from here, I’m not going to lie to you. There are references made to comic books that are clearly supposed to be a loving nod to the large cross-section of the comic book fanbase that also happen to enjoy The Lost Boys, but they really just come off as condescending. There’s a large chunk of the plot that revolves around the vampires turning unsuspecting club kids into vampire fledglings by way of slipping them doses of vampire blood (disguised as a designer drug called, wait for it, THE THIRST) while they dance their cares away at any number of extremely rare vampire raves, called “X Parties”, all of which are masterminded by DJX, the vampire DJ.
I’m going to take another moment here to let you re-read that last line a couple of times. DJX: Vampire DJ. Before you ask, yes, he looks and acts exactly as douchey as you assume he does.
There’s even a little hint at there being a werewolf in the mix. This movie is really all over the place, and from what I understand, that is primarily due to it being an alleged precursor to a planned Lost Boys television series. I haven’t heard a single mention about this supposed television spin-off since The Thirst was released, mind you. Though, I’m not really surprised by that.
There are a few elements of this film that are fun. I mean, seeing the Frog Brothers, together again and killing “suckheads”, is kind of cool if you’re a fan of the original film. The dorky research assistant named Zoe is the stereotypical “cute nerd girl” that you find in various movies and television shows nowadays, and whether or not you like that stereotype, Zoe is kind of cute.
Overall, this is a terrible movie. Almost every aspect of it is just bad. But I, for one, enjoyed it more than The Tribe.
Have Warner Bros. redeemed themselves with this one? No, not really.
Do I finally recognize Corey Feldman as a quality actor? No. No, I don’t.
But hey, at least I readily acknowledge the existence of this film. Which is more than can be said about The Tribe (now seriously, stop mentioning it).